F**K off Bully’s

Once again I hear of adult members in our community engaging in Bullying towards one another.

We continually fight for acceptance as a community. We have stood side by side to win our rights and for people to accept us because of our differences and we celebrate this by turning on each other?

Decades and decades of community heroes’ have walked before us to enable us to live the life we currently live, to stand together to fight the remaining battles and turn our attention to those who still need our help.

We all stand together to support our younger communities who are being bullied at schools. We rush in, embrace the cause and lend our undying support, because we do know it gets better… and most of the time it does, but….

When it comes to adult bullying within our own community we are not so quick to jump in and say it’s not ok.

Why is this?

Why are we scared to point out the flaws in our own communities? Are we scared that we we will not be included in the “in crowd” we socialise with on the weekend? Are we still acting out our schoolyard scenarios but in a more sophisticated and adult fashion?

Why is it OK to bully one another as adults? And more so, why is it ok to see it happening and not call the bully out on their behaviour.

The Canada Safety Council defines adult bullying as:

“a grab for control by an insecure, inadequate person, an exercise of power through the humiliation of the target.” It involves humiliation or abusive words that lower a person’s self-esteem. It can take the form of rude, degrading or offensive remarks; intimidating gestures; or discrediting a person by spreading rumours, ridiculing them or calling into question their convictions and private life.”

Sound familiar, or do you call this gossip or politics or scandal? Or is it ok to make fun of someone who is fat or skinny, or doesn’t wear the right clothes or isn’t as socially outgoing as you? Or do you call this just the natural pecking order?

It’s really a sad day when I keep hearing about this and have to write a blog like this.

As a community please stand up and start calling this behaviour when you see it. It’s not acceptable, and it’s not cool.

You are responsible for the way you choose to treat others, and no-one else. Watching bullying and not doing anything about it is just as bad as doing the bullying in my opinion.

If you are being bullied as an adult talk to someone about it and then call the behavior. It’s the only way this is going to stop.

Women Said Something – one step closer to acceptance

Last night Mardi Gras, along with the Femme Guild, Lemons with a Twist, Dykes on Bikes and Natural State Living put on the inaugural Women Say Something event. It was, in my opinion a resounding success. We had around 140 women, from many of our community tribes represented not only on the panel but also in the audience.

I saw people talking to people who would not normal mix together, and I hope people left the event feeling a little more comfortable with the diversity of our communities.

The original vision I had for this event was just that. That people who would not normally meet would get the opportunity to come together and learn. Learn to accept all our community quirks and differences and carry that forward into their own tribes.

I truly believe that we will not gain the fundamental human rights and respect that we all fight for until we learn to accept all our tribes and the diversity that comes within that.

That’s a big call. But it’s not something I say lightly. I have pondered whether I should not say anything at all, but I have come to the conclusion that someone has to look at our community from the inside and point out the obvious.

We are all fighting for acceptance yet we struggle to accept one another. How can we demand acceptance in the greater context when we still cannot accept the differences that make up our community.

Last night’s Women Say Something event was a start, but it was no means an end to the work that needs to be done. And although we have programs in place by our wonderful community organisations, this really needs to start at home. Meaning, one person at a time. That means you. And it’s not hard to do either.

I want to share a personal story that bought me to this point. It made me take a good look at my own reactions and my own thoughts on the subject.

I never really “got” the queer scene. I struggled with the performance art and I struggled with why people dressed in a non-conformist manner. I didn’t think I was a judgemental person, I just thought “it wasn’t for me”, but then I met Zoo. I say I “met” Zoo, but really I started to get to know her through Facebook. We instantly clicked after an incident at Sleaze ball last year which saw her write to the community press and me respond. The importance of boundaries was the title of my response and it was based on the respect that we all had fought for for the past 40 years in terms of diversity and acceptance.

Writing that response really started me thinking about my own opinions and judgements.

Zoo is the first real Queer that has come into my life in a major way. She is controversial, provocative and well, just out there. Queer performance pieces, I admit, I still don’t “get” at times, but she is happy to explain them to me, and from there I have a greater understanding of what people are trying to say. She is someone who never stops saying something. She has taught me, and I say taught, because I do feel she has been my teacher, that expression comes in a number of ways, and acceptance comes from appreciating that.

The other thing Zoo has taught me is that the Queer scene isn’t really that scary. Over the past 6 months she, and others I have met, have introduced me to some amazing artists, writers, professionals and musicians. I see self-expression in everyone I met, and I have even started to define and develop my own sense of expression in the clothes I prefer to wear. The “look” I try to achieve for myself when I got out. I no longer listen to those people who tell me I can’t wear that, I choose to listen to that person inside that say’s I can! And I choose to wear what I wear where I wear it. Transcending the queer to the gaystream to the bears to the twinks.

What Zoo and I have is a symbiotic relationship. We often laugh about how I teach her about the gaystream and she teaches me about the queers. It works!

I am so lucky that in my role at Mardi Gras I get introduced to many of our diverse community tribes. Exciting that I get to learn the politics and the reasons and the inspirations that drive our thought leaders and clusters of community. And I feel privileged that I have a platform to drive greater acceptance of that in events such as Women Say Something.

I fear that others feel they do not have that opportunity. But what I would like to say is that you do.

It simply begins with Hello and continues with an open mind.

And who knows, you might even find your own Zoo.

Happy Mardi Gras.

A Woman Saying Something: Please Let’s Co-Exist!

This year’s Mardi Gras campaign is “Say Something” – inspired to say the least from the creative and talented Kabi.  But what is so special about this campaign is that it enables our communities to actually have a voice and determine the direction of the season this year.

This has always been the goal of Mardi Gras: To allow you to speak, rather than to speak for you. And I believe this year, we deliver on that.

One of the events that has been born from this campaign is Women Say Something. A panel of diverse women talking about issues that matter to them. The themes and questions will be sourced from the community for the community and I’m sure what will happen during the event will be exciting and thought provoking.

On a personal note, I have always wondered why it was so hard to bring our many female communities together in solidarity, and even harder to bring our G’s and T’s and L’s and B’s and Q’s into a non-judgemental environment. Even on parade night and at the party I see many groups of women judge other women. In a community and organisation where we stand for acceptance and equality shouldn’t we be starting with ourselves first?

That’s why I wanted a panel which was as diverse as we could get. So that we could start with the women who have led or continue to lead (whether officially or by profile) the diverse groups that make up our communities. I’m not saying we all need to get on and agree but I do feel we need to learn to co-exist and accept each other. For one week in the year let’s stand together strong, without judgement, with all our initials blazing and keep striving towards the goal which we all agree is our fundamental human right.

A “Gaystream soft butch femme Queer kinky lesbian”

*Women Say Something is being held March 2^nd, 6.30 for a 7pm start upstairs and the Colombian hotel. For more information visit www.facebook.com/womansaysomething

Party Line-up (enough said!)

Living Your Truth

Kelly Lynch - Natural State Living

With Mardi Gras approaching at the rate of knots and after spending some time recently with Kelly Lynch, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to “live your truth”.

It wasn’t that long ago, when the decision of “are you going to Mardi Gras” was actually a considered one. My first Mardi Gras was 1993. I had been out for 2 weeks  and the thought of ending up on television where my friends and family, my employer and workmates might see me was a terrifying one. But I knew that that was who I was. I was a lesbian!

Even saying that out loud back then was a triumph for me, but I was just out of my teenage years and I didn’t really know what my inner self was then.

Now, 20 years on, my truth is pretty clear to me. I am who I am and I make no apologies for that. I ask only that people accept me for Steph, and with that all my other truths are on display. Yes I am a lesbian, but I’m also a friend, a daughter, a sister and a cousin. I’m a manager and Facebook specialist (yes, it’s true – its’ what I do for a living). I’m a leader and a follower, and I’m a proud member of many community groups and tribes.

I try to support those around me in the community doing the same. And there are many communities in which we all reside. It’s not as simple as one big community umbrella anymore.

And looking back 30 years, isn’t this why we all agonized over whether we would be in or at the parade? Just so we could live our truth or part of our truth? Isn’t this why we originally came together to actually stand up for our truth, whatever it would be, against those who did not support or accept that?

It is my personal opinion that Mardi Gras helps bring all these “truths” together for the season. And in some cases, Mardi Gras even helps people come to their own truths on some things.

Sometimes someone can come into your life to remind you that we really are only answerable to the truth within ourselves. Kelly has been a great inspiration to me over the past few weeks, not in anything specific, but more in the way she has turned her life into something more conscious. She has reminded me that in all the noise around you, you can still find the stillness within simply by looking inward and grounding yourself to your truth. I’m looking forward to hearing her at Women Say Something on March 2^nd – A special event that NMG is co-producing with a number of other organizations around the topics of diversity and adversity with women.

We all know what is right or wrong and your real judge is the one living within you.   So remember that this Mardi Gras when you are looking for or re-affirming your own truth, and remember to say something that really matters to you.  

It is the time to be strong, bold and real. Say your truth and in the words of Kel:

“Be who you love to be”!

 

 

You can read all about Kelly’s new Initiative “Natural State Living” HERE!

Lesbians and Power Tools…

What is it about lesbians and power tools? Is it really just the tool belt? Or is it crafting something with your bare hands?

Do sawing, nailing, drilling and painting really turn on as many girls as we think?

Well as my “femme wife” friend tells me – “why hell yea!”

Many of us prepare for March 5^th, or Gay Christmas that is Mardi Gras 2011, by preparing our outfits, getting our spray tans and practicing our best party pout. But there is a whole group of people getting ready in a different way. In just 6 weekends time we will line Oxford Street and see the parade go past in all it’s creative glory.

Brendan our Workshop Manager - he iron's too!

So spare a thought, just for a moment, for all the work that goes into getting us there in the first place. All the power tools used, things painted, Paper Mache lovingly wet, glued and molded together, and costumes sewed. Hours on hours spent ensuring our messages are loud, heard and most importantly, said in a way that is creative, witty, relevant and fabulous.

So you can imagine how wonderful it is that the Mardi Gras Workshop opened again last weekend at 107 Redfern st, Redfern. What makes this such a special event is that artists are starting to flock in again, offering skill and talent, re-grouping and creating the new messages of our communities. After a few years absence we are once again able to come together in the lead up to the parade and share ideas, visions and materials to make this our very special day.

And this is where you come in, you can volunteer time or materials to help a group really go off with a bang on parade night. Everyone is welcome, just come on down and sign up!

I really want to get down there in the lead up, just pick up a brush and start helping a group realize their dream.

There is something about lesbians and power tools that just do it for me and I am quite content with a little creative project where I can build something real in a world that is so often online and unseen. And let’s face it –  There’s nothing quite like seeing your little bit come down Oxford street in front of thousands of people.

See you in the Workshop!

The agony of the “EX”tacy this Mardi Gras Season.

Let’s face it, we all love falling in love. The way birds suddenly appear every time they are near. The feeling when love takes over, you defy gravity, trust your instincts and leap! You go out, meet friends, get on with life, play happy families, go through hard times and nest.

And then bang… it stops.

Dead!

As my mum says, “That’s life – be thankful for having the time you did”.

I’ve always managed to remain good friends with my ex lovers. It’s a small community and trust me the L Word’s chart has nothing on the interconnectedness of Sydney’s lesbian scene. I’m presuming it’s the same for guys. I know firsthand by hanging with my gay male friends that they scan the room for “guys they have had” – thanks Brian Kinney for that one!

Regardless of how fractured our communities become we are still brought together each February for this thing called the “GRAS” and with that comes multiple opportunities for that chance run in and encounter  with ex’s (and I’m not meaning of the nice kind). If you haven’t resolved the past with the ex then there lies the potential for a run in to destroy your whole future (or the night anyway). Blah. Who wants that on our once a year night of celebration, love and happiness.

But for me there is a bigger picture here.

We have fought for too long to have our relationships recognized and accepted to behave in ways which trivialize the importance they once had in your life. Remember you spent time with this person (people) because they meant something to you at the time. You probably spoke about future plans and maybe weddings and children at some stage and they are probably as upset as you are about “it” not working out as you had planned.

Let’s face it – we don’t get into relationships simply to break up now do we?

People move on in their search for their own personal happiness and yes it’s sad that it wasn’t with you, but at least you had the opportunity to find out if it was or was not!

Today the New Mardi Gras office received a request from a group in Uganda. Imagine living in a country where you basic rights were denied to such an extent where you couldn’t even try to have a relationship with someone! Where being with someone is a life threatening risk and break ups and the trauma attached seem trivial in comparison. You can’t break up with someone if you are never given the opportunity to love someone.

As a community here in Australia we can meet publicly, fall in love publicly, post sickening love bubbles on each other’s Facebook wall for all to see.

You can publicly breakup, Facebook break up, be de-friended and blocked in an instant and all in the public eye. Mutual friends see you move on, change your Facebook relationship status to single, see the photos in the press and news feeds, start reading new love messages with new people, see their facebook status change to a new relationship.

It’s a changing world we live in. Twenty years ago we would not be so brave in our public displays of our relationships. PDA’s now so acceptable need to make room for PDFA’s*  or public displays of Facebook affection. Not to mention PDFF, or public displays of Facebook fighting.

In a world where our relationships are now getting to be so accepted and so public should our break ups be too? Regardless they are, and it’s up to the individuals to protect the other in all this. You share your life with someone (for as long as it lasts) so it’s good to respect them in the end to.

And back in the real world, with party season upon us, I start thinking about the people who I don’t want to see out and about, and I have to question why?

Isn’t this what the fight for equality is all about?

The simple quest for happiness? For finding that person you can call yours who will be there for you and you for them, to have fun with, to cry with, to build a future together.

To simply love without prejudice like anyone else?

And if you choose to love regardless of who and what, you must accept that maybe if won’t work out and you, or them, aren’t the right one. Truly loving someone means to be happy even if your ex finds the right one and it isn’t you.

So just remember that when you see that ex walking across the dance floor in your direction, and your stomach drops to the floor with that nervous anxiety, that if it wasn’t for the efforts of hundreds and thousands of men and women over the past 40 years, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to be able to fall in love so publicly, break up so publicly, to run into them so publicly and form this community that is small and insular and warm and protective, but also provides its own challenges.

You bring someone into your life, nurture them, love them. There’s no reason not to when it’s all over and dusted, after all “so much of me is made of what I learnt from you.” – all of you(s)!

So, this Mardi Gras, this celebration of love, of acceptance, of diversity, if I see an ex out and about I will greet them with love and thank all those who came before me that allowed me the opportunity to do so. Thank you for allowing these great big public displays of love, that have seen me and many others happy and have seen us sad but made me appreciate the community who looks after us through it all.

Thank you for giving me the life I live and the freedom to love who I choose when I choose.

Peace and love to all (especially my ex’s).

* The term PDFA was originally coined by the Fabulous Rachael Oakes-Ash.